MDPC #5b [TurnAround Thursday] Default Adulting Settings 1:1 Coaching

Hey there Difference Maker!

Today’s TurnAround is … Change Your Default Adulting Settings

Two things can be true at the same time:
1) you can be doing everything you can to help make things better and …
2) you can be inadvertently hurting, limiting and trying too hard instead of helping.

What is “default adulting”?

It’s a term that I came up with – at least I think I was the one who came up with this  – to refer to well intentioned parenting and teaching styles that inadvertently hurt rather than teach skills.

It’s a way for me to talk about parenting and teaching, i.e., “adulting” styles that cover the full spectrum of possible styles, from authoritarian to authoritative to permissive to indulgent only without using that language.

Why not just use that language?

Because 1) it’s not a black-and-white thing, and 2) people often start to JREDD (Justify, Rationalize, Explain, Defend and Debate) and when defenses come up learning receptivity goes down.

Default adulting can be anything that floods out of your mouth with no end in sight.

Default adulting can be automatically yelling NO to something a kid is asking for because that’s what you got told when you asked for things that mattered to you.

Default adulting may have worked short term, but has never actually worked (long term), never will work (long term) and doubling down and trying harder at it only defeats everything you are trying to accomplish if pain is used to teach rather than teaching skills in an energetically encouraging way.

Default adulting most likely originates from what you learned to do from the adults in your world growing up.

If you hear yourself think, “Well, it worked on me and I turned out alright” then chances are, even though you hated it as a kid, you are afraid that if you don’t use it in tough situations, you will either lose control or not be doing your job to teach the children in your care.

It’s a simple litmus test:  If you hated how you were taught and treated as a kid, simply be willing to be willing to find, and use better ways.  Stop JREDDing.

What you can do to start changing your default adult setting is to investigate, “Is there a better way?”  Chances are, there is.

It can be as simple as asking yourself if you would talk to your best friend the way you are talking to the child or spouse right now.

FOR THE FUN OF IT:  The next time you hear yourself saying something that you always hated being said to you as a kid, STOP YOURSELF RIGHT THERE!  Make a mental note of this moment.

Take a breath.  You are most likely default adulting.  Chances are you are banging the drum about everything you do not want when, with one little shift, you can switch it up to how you’d prefer that it be … next time.

So how to you Change Default Adulting Settings?

Be willing to be willing to collaborate.  Talk about both of your preferences and see where that takes you toward problem solving and creating a new plan.

I’m not gonna lie.  It’s a process that begins with stopping yourself mid-sentence when you hear yourself doing it.

Slow everything down.  You don’t have to know what to do in that moment.  Give yourself and them an hour or more to find a better way.

If this were your best friend, what could you do differently?  Most likely it will be a better way.

I’m not saying make children your friends.  You can do that when they are adults.

What I am saying is, you already know how to connect, reach and teach with compassion, understanding and kindness.

The solution is simpler than you may think.

Reaching out …

PS … If you’ve been implementing top-notch strategies and still finding inconsistent results, I’ll assist you in pinpointing the root cause of the energetic resistance. Whether you’re trying to mentor others, lead a team that seems to be hindering progress or facing classroom behavioral and productivity challenges, together we’ll devise a plan to turn things around.  Click here to schedule 1:1 Coaching with me!

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